Me, Watching Tennis

Me, Watching Tennis
Me, Watching Tennis

Friday, September 27, 2013

Am I A Weirdo?

Hello! Rowan here. Been a long time since I blogged something. But I enjoyed Paula's US Open posts, and she pretty much promised me she will blog more if I blog something too.

Today I'm gonna share something awesome with you. Dan Kim is a great artist from Canada, and he recently had a Kickstarter fundraising campaign for his new book. One of the rewards for donating was that Dan would draw you an original sketch of your favourite waifu, a female character of your choice. Most normal people picked cartoon or comic book characters, but for my waifu I asked if I could choose my favourite tennis player Alizé Cornet. Am I a weirdo?

Alizé has actually had a decent season this year for once. She won a title on clay in Strasbourg, made the 3rd round at 3 of the Slams and is ranked 28 in the world right now, her highest in years. She still has a lot of French attitude and a very pretty nose.

Anyway here is Dan's picture of Alizé. Isn't it the greatest thing you ever saw in your whole life? I could gaze at it all day, and I do, I stuck it up on the wall above my drawing table. Srsly, am I a weirdo?


You can find more of Dan Kim's art at

Let's blog again real soon!

PS: Have you seen Eugenie Bouchard the 19 year old from Canada? She is a total babe.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Men's US Open Final, 2013

Ok, Djokovic just broke at Love. This is turning into a match. At first, I thought that Rafa was just going to kill Nole, and then I started thinking about how hot they are, both of them, and so I stopped caring at all about the actual match and starting thinking dirty thoughts.
I don't know who I want to win. I love them both. Dearly.
Has anyone else noted that Nadal is losing some hair there on the top- it's thinning. I may have mentioned that before, because one thing this blog is good for is- repetition. I want to have sex with tennis players! I am drinking an adult beverage! My animals make my house smell bad!
OK, Nole. Not losing any hair. In fact, he has a virtual Brillo pad on his head. Think how useful that would be. First, you could watch him play tennis (like I am now), then you could make him have sex with you, or that would be ideal, and then you could use his head to wash the dishes. OMG. That would be three great things in a row, or in any order, not necessarily in a row.
Now- let's talk about Nadal.
Oh wait, I gotta say this is turning into a great match and the ralleys are AMAZING.
OK, back to Nadal. Now, his hair IS thinning. But so is Rick Rock's the man of the house here and sometimes contributor, and that doesn't bother me a bit. And so was this ex boyfriend's of mine in college- it in no way affected our ability to be "close" nor did it destroy my attraction to him. In fact, if he were here right now, I would hit on him, because I don't like his wife and I have good memories of him and I bet he's still hot - he married her right after me! Anyway, back to Nadal. Good lord he is so handsome and talented and rich. And so SPANISH. As followers of this blog now, I used to live in Spain and LOVE Spanish men, although I was 18 at the time and didn't bang one Spanish dude because Americans had the rep to be sluts and I didn't want to be thought of as a slut. God, how I regret that now. Who the fuck cares if someone thinks you are a slut in a foreign country when you are 18? If only my 45 year old self could inhabit my 18 year old self- I would have banged some HOT Spanish dudes.
Nole is trying to turn this around. Too bad Mary Carillo hasn't become a mute. Wow, that was rough. I don't really want her to lose the ability to speak, but you know- she's awful.
OK, I just baked a chicken and fed my family. We had some asparagus and rice, too. At dinner, once the conversation turned to dicks, and how smoking makes you turn to dick sucking, which then makes you start taking harder drugs because you are sad you are sucking dick - anyway, why are adolescent boys obsessed with their dicks? And why is Rick Rock, who is 45, an adolescent boy? And why were we talking about gateway drugs and why did this lead to non stop penis talk? I mean, I never care about those things, as this blog attests. When have I ever mentioned the male anatomy?  Sometimes, it's hard to be the only lady in the house.
I might start watching this on fast forward as I hate to be behind. I used to watch tennis on fast forward a lot because I watched TENNIS ALL THE TIME. I don't do that anymore. My life got busy in mostly bad ways, but also some good ways.
Rafa just fell and - he's so cute.
I like Rafa's outfit a little bit better than Nole's. But don't tell Nole that in case I stand a chance? OK? Thanks.
Rick Rock is perving on Rafa's sister. He said, "I've watched her grow up into a fine young woman." That was a little too Law and Order SVU for me ( I usually call that show, which I watch all the time "SUV" just to be dyslexic and also SUV is a common "word". It just flow better.)
I'm a little behind- been taping it, had to feed the dick obsessed wierdos in my house- but more soon!
Just when I thought Nole was going to take over, Rafa turns into a crazed tennis genius and takes the third set. I wish I were his towel. I could be his towel! Just that, really, not more, just that thing he rubs all over his arms and sometimes other parts of his body. OK, now I want to be the tennis balls. They go inside the pockets of BOTH tennis players! They get to soak up some sweat. They're right next to some seriously important anatomy of the tennis players. They get squeezed by the hands of both Nadal and Nole. Oh, yeah, I am a tennis ball- sort of all Yoda like. Remember Yoda? He had this whole "saying" thing which was deep and mysterious and transported himself out of dumb reality into something awesome and powerful? I AM THE TENNIS BALL. Squeeze me, put me next to your junk, then hit me a lot. Hm. The last part- not so sure of. But I was just riffing.

Oh shit, 3-0 Rafa in the fourth.I am having a vodka on ice. For some reason, I keep dripping onto my shirt. It sort of looks like when you breastfeed and your milk leaks. Not a good look. Thank God Rafa and Nole can't see me. It also looks like Azarenka yesterday. She had terrible boob sweat circles. Maybe that's why she lost? Serena has an iron bra holding up her huge, amazing breasts, each breast bigger than the size of my head. No sweat is getting through an iron bra.
Oh fuck, Nole is not hitting so well. He has played soo much more tennis this tournament.He might need me to console him. I will. I would, in a heartbeat, in a vodka wet T-shirt, bad boob circle (although unlike Azarenka, only one boob is getting the circle of wetness) shirt,  give him my consolation. I guess I could take off my shirt? I should take it off- I lifted weights with my amazing trainer, and it was disgusting to begin with.

It's 5-1 now. AAWWW.

I'm wearing my Strassburg Sock.

I highly recommend if you have Plantar Fascc-my-foot-hurts. It really helps.

Championship point. So sad. So great? So great. So confused. I love tennis.
I need to clean up dog pee. My three legged dog pees everwhere. OHHH! Go Rafa! Nole - I love you. What a great handshake! Rafa- oh shit. Rafa is crying. I might cry.

Yours Truly,

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I Went to the US Open Today

People. I went to the US Open today. As some of you know I used to watch tons of tennis and blog about it with great regularity. Now- not so much. But - DAMN- it's a good game. My very nice husband brought me along to a corporate box - I immediately forgot the name of the corporation, but he works with these people, and I was anxious- sometimes, I say inappropriate things. But yet, he took a gamble on me- he let me come along. It turned out one of the sales people who sells- I don't know what, my husband mumbles, so I can't understand, and then the actual sales people could give a shit what I know- remembered me from last year! I remembered him too! Although I have no idea what anyone does. I was just sweating a lot and super happy to be in a corporate "suite". They bring you drinks- non stop. There is a ton of food! I ate three times- the last was a plate of salami and a pile of chips with sour cream dip. And then there was TENNIS! Kvitova started. Sometimes, she looks like a huge Eastern European JAIL GUARD. But, in reality, she looks like an awesome strong, young, tennis player! She was cute. Huge-ish, but cute! She won her match. I was getting hot. It was hot out. I wore a sweater- granted a small sweater- but still. She won Wimbledon a few year ago.She was "awes" as my sons say. Then came the "Woz" also know as Caroline Wozniacki. She's Polish but plays for Denmark. At one point, she was number 1! She's totally thinned out. She's not anorexic seeming, she just lost her baby fat. She played this ginormous Chinese qualifier, Duan Ying Ying, who was 6'1, and hit balls HARD. Like I do (just kidding, well, you know). The Woz managed to pull it out with great defensive play, and Duan just made too many errors. At this point I was sunburned. Also, I'm not a good day drinker, but hey, free booze. So, I'm at this corporate box- love the private toilet!- and  bonding with the waiter! I waited on tables for ever....anyway. Every now and again someone wanted to talk "business" with me and I just did that thing, you know, put your hand over your head and say "that just went over me". It worked. Then Federer came out. AAWWWWW. He's so cute. Then I made some inappropriate comments but my husband ensured me that I wasn't as bad as- well. That was wishful thinking. I say the wrong things. I didn't use dirty words. Free drinks and food? I did OK. Federer kicked some ass. But I clapped loudly for the poor dude "I'm getting over Mono" a lot. At this point, I'd had too much Vitamin D, some white wine, lots of weird chicken dishes, and I was wearing bad shorts- like, too short shorts.  The only good thing is that- I was not the only one sweating! We were all sweating like crazy! So I slid off my seat and gave wet hugs to people, especially the one guy who invited us, I gave him a good sweaty hug, and - yeah. One thing - professional tennis players play amazing tennis.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Women's Final at Wimbledon- 2013

Clive Owen? Yes Clive Owen is narrating the women's final blabla. God I love his voice. His pockmarks. If I had the chance, I'm sure I'd love other things about him. But, come on - isn't that weird? For instance- they should say- Clive Owen is narrating the "ladies championship at Wimby" -  but no. I'm the one telling you that.

Lots of talk about intense relationships with Daddy. Bartoli fired her daddy but here he is, watching. I had an intense relationship with my dad. Thank God I never had to fire him. Serena, Maria, Bartoli- all had to fire their dads and it was always the right thing to do, even though their dads MADE them. Life is strange.
 I can't believe Lisicki isn't barfing or crying. I would do both. I would do both - or I do do both- even when I am not playing a final at Wimbledon. Actually, I haven't barfed in a long time. But I cry pretty regularly. Pretty sure I would barf if I was playing some tennis final though. And cry.
Two things- I sort of hate the dude who is commentating. But I like "Chrissie". First of all, how is a grown woman, who, by the way, is aging beautifully, I don't see any weird surgery going on in her face or arms or anywhere, goes by the name "Chrissie?" I love it.  I'm an old lady and I prefer to have sort of little girl nicknames. I think that's normal. Let's pretend we are not getting old and dying! Let's have baby names!
Well, Bartoli is being more consistent. Not surprising. Aw. Lisicki! Where is your serve?
ROWAN! He just said- Bartoli is beating Lisicki like a drum.
Rowan is right! It's not fun to watch. Chrissie called her spent from the other matches. I think she just doesn't have the experience. Bartoli does. But really, if Lisicki had her game on, this would be a better match.

Second set. Come on Lisicki. Make this second set a match! I am awake and I am NEVER awake at this hour. You owe me, girl.
She just made a cute face. That's encouraging. I've had two cups of coffee and I usually only am allowed a half cup because otherwise I get all insane and my family gets worried. But HEY- it's the women's FINAL. Therefore, I get to be insane! And fuck my family! Yeah, that's right, deal with my overcaffienated ass!

Here's something- Chris Fowler used to make me want to strangle him. I totally like Chrissie. I feel like the fact that Fowler has gone grey-perhaps age? perhaps something shitty in his life happened?- has made him less of an asshole. Sorry, Chris, if your dad died or something awful happened, but you seem less of a dick than you used to be. And that I appreciate. Can we also be happy that Tracy Austin is not in the box.  She makes me grind my teeth with rage.

Go Go Go- Lisicki! Make this a match!!!

By the way, if I manage to blog- think I'm going to make Rowan and Mike do it- during the men's final- but if I do manage- I will be also having sex with myself the whole time whilst watching those two totally fine dudes hit little balls at each other which is sort of like trying to get the sperm in the lady part- and it's just so sexy. Makes me think of an essay that Gary Amdahl sent me recently about hockey and sex. But that was good sports writing and I try very hard- oh wait, no I don't try hard- to be the world's shittiest sports writer. Which brings me to the great writer, who I do admire and he deserves all his accolades, minus the shit talk from his ex girlfriend who I now hate, Mary Carr, - DFW- yeah, I can't spell his name out at this second- writing about Federer for the- NEW YORK TIMES. God, that piece made my lady boner go away. It was not good. People loved it. I didn't. It wasn't fun. Sometimes, taking yourself too seriously makes people laugh at you, not with you and maybe that is a risk we all should take from time to time. But not about tennis.


Once, and you could find it somewhere on this blog, I was at the US Open on a back court and watched Bartoli play and there really is something you see up close that the TV is not showing. Her angles? With her crazy two handed thingy on both sides? It's INTENSE. It's special.

But I'm so sad about Lisicki. She's just sucking right now. I really hope she doesn't cry. I might cry  for her. Would that help? Can I suck the bad emotion of stress and fear and waah from her? Trying to channel across the ocean to Lisicki, trying to suck the bad away sort of like you suck venom out of your friend after they got bit by a snake.

Oh shit. 4-1 in the second. My venom sucking is not working. Maybe I need more coffee. I'm surprised - as I mentioned- that Chris Fowler is not being the dick he usually is. Maybe because there isn't another man in the box with him?

God, this is sad. Poor Lisicki. Tennis is so mental. And Lisicki mind is going "I'm fucking losing".

Bartoli is basically fucking everything. Swinging her dick left and right and straight at you. Also, did I say this is painful. Oh shit. I can barely watch. I hate a blow out. Is that the word? Blow out. Who knows. I'm going to drink more coffee and become more brain damaged.

I like that they keep showing Mauresmo. LOVE her. If I were a lesbian, which I am not, I would totally let her go down on me. In fact, I would let her go down on me even though I am not a lesbian. Even, like, right now. As long as she kept her lady parts away from me. I guess that would be a "bad deal" on her part. That's why I would be a bad lesbian. It would have to be a totally one sided relationship.

Just gonna say a normal tennis thing- Lisicki has always been streaky. And I don't mean her hair. And it's making her suck right now.

I'm gonna watch for a minute- be right back.
Bartoli is panicking. But I don't have a lot of faith in Lisicki - yet. She could change that. Oh, gonna drink more coffee. Why not finish off the pot?

She just did it!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Highlights from Auckland

Heeey Rowan here, I told Paula I was gonna post something about the Auckland WTA and ATP tournaments, which took place just before the Aussie Open, then I forgot, then I remembered, so here you go.

We had a great field for the women’s tournament this year, with Sharapova, Kuznetsova and Safina all coming for the first time. Defending champ Yanina Wickmayer was there too, and she got Safina in the first round, ouch, but she came through in a good three setter. Kuz lost to Peng Shuai (happy Chinese New Year everyobdy!) in the second round and Sharapova lost to Greta Arn (who?) in the quarters, but it was nice to see them live and in person. Poor old Maria, she’ll always have that never give up attitude but she still has some big issues with her game. Plus sexy German Julia Goerges was wearing the same outfit as Maria and filled it out better than she did. Not Maria’s week.

Lots of sightings of Alize Cornet and her nose which made me happy. She came back from a set and 2-5 down to win her first round match in three sets, screaming things in French all the way. She lost to Goerges in the second round but then made the semis in the doubles, where she was nice enough to lose to hometown Kiwi Marina Erakovic. Merci Alizé, à la prochaine.

In the end Greta Arn (who?) won the whole tournament (what?) beating Wickmayer in the final. See if something like this happened in professional wrestling, I mean an unknown midcarder getting a series of impressive upset victories, then you can bet the matchmakers in the back would have a plan for this person. This would be the beginning of what we wrestling fans call a push, the first step on Greta Arn’s road to becoming a championship contender. But unfortunately tennis is not like wrestling, and this Greta Arn victory will probably not lead to anything at all. This is part one in a twelve part series called Why Wrestling Is Almost Better Than Tennis. Nah I’m just playing. Twelve parts is too much.

In the men’s tournament we had Ferrer, Nalbandian, Isner, Robredo and other solid guys. Nalbandian looked really good all week, he dismantled John Isner’s giant serve and deconstructed Nicolas Almagro’s fiery one handed backhand. But then he forgot how to play tennis in the final against Ferrer and lost 63 62, it was a bit of a let down. See if this was wrestling, Ferrer and Nalbandian would have put on a 45 minute best two out of three falls classic. The young top ten lion Ferrer would have won in the end, but not without a heck of a battle. Nalbandian’s valiant losing effort (during which he would have got busted open and bled all over the ring, and the referee would have said, David I'm gonna have to stop it, but Nalby would have shouted DON'T YOU DARE STOP THIS MATCH, and Ferrer would have been reluctant to keep beating up on his wounded opponent, but Nalby would have slapped his face and told him to bring it, and then they would have wrestled another twenty minutes until Ferrer finally eked out the win) would have done more for his standing than any victory, as he would have won the hearts of the fans and shown that he is on his way back to the top ten and one final shot at the world heavyweight championship that has eluded him throughout his storied career. Or at least a run with the tag team championships. I mean Davis Cup.

Happy 2011 everybody! It's gonna be a good season, I can feel it.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The 2011 Australian Open Women and Men's Finals

Ladies First.
The Beginning of this match was all about boob sweat. Poor Kimmy had two perfect circles of sweat on her boobs. It made her lose the first set. RR and I like both Kimmy and Li Na, so we were excited to see either win. In the second set, Kimmy's sweat morphed into all over body sweat, undoing the unfortunate boob circles of sweat. This made her play much better, because she didn't have to be so embarrassed and instead, she could concentrate on stepping into the court and whacking the crap out of the ball deep into the corners. Funny, how much boobs affect tennis.

Here are some really dumb moments that happened during the ladies final. The commentators said some dumb things and some things they said, like, over and over and over again. For instance, Will Li Na Be The First Asian to win a grand slam? This was asked over and over again. I was like, hm, maybe we should stop asking this and instead, like, wait and see what actually happens. Then Rick Rock said, "Will Kim Clijsters be the first Asian to win a grand slam?" This made us crack up. Then there was the reeeeeeeaaallly unfortunate moment when after Li Na played an awesome defense to offense winner of a backhand, Dick Enberg yelled out "The Great Wall of China"! RR and I looked at each other in disbelief. The box got suddenly very silence after that and I could just see the programmers whispering to Dick, "Dude, you CANNOT say that??!! OK??!!" In that kind of whisper which is angry even if it's not loud, because, anyway, the whole thing had to go away and be covered up. Anyway, then Rick Rock said, "General Chow's Chicken!" and we cracked up again. We were making fun of Dick Enberg, BTW, not poor Li Na.

I loved Li Na's speech at the end. That thing about loving her husband no matter what, even if he got fat and old? It was so cute. I was worried she was going to complain to the Chinese fans of whom she complained a lot to the chair, which was a bummer, because she needed to just not pay attention to that and focus on her amazing tennis. She got distracted by them and they were loud. At one point, Nick said, "what's up with the Chinese fans, have they become Serbs?" Which I thought was a very good question.

Then Kimmy's speech which started out with thanking the dentist who fixed her chipped tooth. Now, that was hilarious. But I did want to know how she chipped her tooth. I hope her husband didn't punch her. I hope she drunkenly fell down and smacked her tooth on the kitchen table...that would be a "fun" way to chip your tooth- drinking and partying and shit--as opposed to being punched.

Men's final commentary to follow!

Djoker and Murray. I like both these players. I felt that the Beeg (Brad Gilbert) was wrong in his prediction of Murray in five and as we are in the third (back on serve) and Djoker is playing way more solid that Murray, I was right and the Beeg was wrong!!!! I like the Beeg, don't get me wrong, I like his "color commentary" for the most part. The confusing thing about the Beeg is that we have the same name! Rick Rock calls me "beeg" all the time! (It's short for "baby girl".) Anyway, when I get to meet the Beeg, I think we'll bond on that issue. I look forward to that day. Someday soon, I'll add a little link here to the time I met Killer Cahill.

Murray is not being mentally tough. He's not moving well. I think it's the stress. Thank GOD he didn't get bagelled in that second set! Sheesh. This third set is way more fun. I like the skull and crossbones on Murray's mom's sweatshirt. I walked by her once or twice in Canada last summer and she's a little lady. His father must be a bruiser because Andy's a big strong man. Anybody have any info on Andy's dad? We got his hot brother, Jamie, and his hardass mom. But what of his dad???

Which leads me to- The Serbs. I have not seen the Djoker's parents? Is that right? And what of the Serb fan who is in a skin tight wrestling uniform and you can see his nipples and the outline of his penis? That was WRONG. People love to hate the Djoker's parents, (notice that Maria Sharapova seems to have quietly fired her father and this whole Serena "injury" thing -I worry she's getting work done too, because she looked really different the last time I saw her on TV, but I digress) but let's take a quick look at their likely history (now, this is just theory, I actually don't know these things for facts). First, all Serbs are Greeks that got the short end of the stick, so to speak. Greeks- everyone loves the Greeks. But the Serbs are the Greeks that got chased up to the mountains, probably over some disputes about a goat, and hey, just because they got chased up the mountain, doesn't even mean they stole a goat, it could mean the other guy had a big old shovel or pitchfork and got him on the surprise and like, he just had to run to save himself from getting smashed over the head or, like, stuck in the gut with a pitchfork all Friday the 13thy. Or he could have stolen the goat. Regardless, for centuries, these poor "really are Greeks" have been stuck in the freezing ass mountains, barely getting by by running pizza and pancake restaurants, occasionally getting pillaged and raped by Mongol hoards from the East, and Viking-bear fur-wearing barbarians from the North. So because of this, they sort of are ill behaved raging desperate people, who really can't help it because they've been cut off from the good life for so long.

Oh man, I feel for Murray. The Djoker is just too solid. I really had hoped this would go longer. But the dude kicked the Fed's butt so maybe this is not so surprising.

I would love to console Murray or celebrate wildly with Nole. Either the consoling or the decadent celebrating would involve nudity and lots of touching. The consoling would be melancholy and soothing touching and nudity, the celebrating would be joyous and aggressive fun nudity and touching.

Nole is getting naked now, in preparation for his celebration. I am so sad I'm not there. I'm jealous.

I still believe in Murray. Clijsters lost her first four times at trying to win a Major-so - Murray has a chance

Yours Truly,


3:31 AM

Hi everybody. My name is Mike Young, and Paula is graciously letting me liveblog. What I mean is that I promised I would live blog the Australian Open Final if Murray got into it, so here I am. My friend Jack and I are sitting in his house, surrounded by ice and snow and weird hipsters walking home from Saturday night doo-wap dancing. We have coffee and Ezra Brooks whiskey. Jack is explaining to me that the Woz told everybody a kangaroo bit her. Now he is talking about how his wife looks like Kim Clijsters, and his wife is deeply asleep in the other room. Meanwhile, ESPN is showing really melodramatic close-ups of Andy Murray's chin scraggle.

3:35 AM

3:37 AM

Man, some kid's Make-a-Wish was to get a picture with the finalists at the Australian Open? Also, he looks like a Djokovic fan.

3:39 AM

Just to let Paula's fans down early: we are not going to talk about how attractive Murray or Djokovic are until after we drink a lot more whiskey. Also the announcers really like Djokovic because one of the announcers sounds Australian, and Australians resent people from Great Britain because Australia used to be a giant jail. Jack says Murray is going to win because he's wearing green.

3:45 AM

Brad Gilbert is talking about how he got the chance to sit down exclusively and touch Djokovic's knee. Wait, the match just started. Jack is going to make sure we have enough muffins.

3:47 AM

Djokovic just won the first game. We are talking about the dead spot controversy. We've concluded that tennis has the furriest ball of any major professional pursuit, and also the bounciest. Djokovic's dad isn't wearing the Shirt, which makes Jack sad. What Shirt? Look to your left.

3:53 AM

Jack says Murray likes to get beat early because that makes him want it more later. I said that's very British of him. I have a feeling this liveblong is going to get more and more offensive as we go. I accidentally just typed blong. Murray might get broken in his first game. Or maybe not. They just exchanged massive cross-court forehands and Murray won the point. Our other friend Sean hasn't shown up yet, and he is rooting for the Joker, so he will provide exciting narrative tension. ESPN just showed a close up of Murray's face and we laughed and Jack said "Rat grimace." We are wondering if the Australian Open rubberized courts are even faster than the U.S. Open hardcourts, but this live blog is too important to interrupt with research.

3:57 AM

Jack says the ball-kids at the Australian Open are faster than any other major. I said I want video review for a lot of things in my life. Murray still hasn't won his first goddamn service game.

4:07 AM

Murray took five deuces to hold his first service game. To celebrate, here is a picture of Murray attacking his girlfriend's nose:

4:02 AM

Jack and I agree that this is probably the last Australian Open for a while because the world next year will be embroiled in nuclear war, or gone completely, after Egypt collapses, and then every other country in the Middle East collapses, and then Israel drops a bunch of bombs on any sandy spots it can find. Also we also agree that maybe the Australian ball kids look faster because of their floppy yellow hats. Also we're eating oranges, even though it's 5 degrees outside in Massachusetts, which doesn't have a lot of orange trees. We figure this is maybe the third to last month we'll get to eat oranges before the world collapses.

4:14 AM

Murray is looking a little better, wearing the Joker down, just made a very regal overhead smash. One of the announcers just said "These guys have two hands." Whoa, Murray just went from scrambling defense to a killer cross-court backhand.

4:27 AM

They're staying on serve, some exciting rallies, not a ton. The announcer just said "Flowing brown and nasty." Jack and I are talking about the function of cataloging in prose, James Agee and Stanley Crawford, but I at least am getting a little incoherent. If Jack is feeling incoherent, he is masking it with enthusiasm. Now we are fantasizing that Jack's wife will sleepwalk to the grocery store and buy bacon and then cook the bacon for us. Murray's foreheads really hug the net, and when Djokovic hits something really hard he looks like he's about to kill a bird with mild regret. Also Djokovic is making some dumb errors.

4:33 AM

ESPN just interrupted the match to show a video of a girl jogging to court with new rackets. If the first set stays on pace, it will have taken about an hour and a half. The announcer just said "You're not buying the buddies thing."

4:38 AM

Jack just said Murray is Micky Ward and Djokovic is Dickie Eklund.

4:42 AM

Djokovic is two points away from breaking Murray and winning the set. Now when he is hitting big balls and working Murray all around the court, his close-up face looks like he is making one of those high pitched "wise guy eh?" jokes and he is relishing the opportunity to make this joke. The rallies are getting kind of insanely good now.

4:46 AM

Djokovic just broke Murray and won the first set. Murray needs to stop playing defense, man. He reminds me of that guy who waits until a girl he likes in high school is collecting Social Security and vacationing in a raft on a lake in Maine before finally telling her he likes her.

4:57 AM

Murray just got broken again trying to make a too cute forehead drop shot. ESPN keeps showing slo-mo shots of Djokovic's legs. If anybody has a calf fetish, they are getting their money's worth.

5:05 AM

Murray is falling apart! Awful unforced errors. Also there is a Serbian in the crowd wearing a singlet.

5:16 AM

Murray showing some life down 1-5 in the second set. Djokovic is squeezing his eyes together with his fingers, say the announcers. Wait, Murray is squeezing his eyes. But Djokovic wears contacts. I can't keep up. Murray just broke Djokovic. Down 2-5 now. Now there is a bowling commercial. Jack just made a Karate Kid reference. We both agree that if someone wanted to make us bacon and eggs we wouldn't be like "No thank you, we don't want bacon and eggs," we would be like "Hell yeah, gimme dem bacon and eggs."

5:25 AM

Djokovic just won the second set. Melbourne, Australia had a confusing commercial for itself with some girl meeting herself in a puddle? There are some orange peels near my gloves.

5:33 AM

Murray has a break point. The announcers just said "The dark side." Jack said "Negative energy capacity." Boom, great forehand down the line from Murray, and a surprising winner after a series of defensive plunkies, but he found his spot. Murray up a break in the third set. He keeps shushing his camp. We think maybe he's high.

5:35 AM

The announcers just said, of Murray's mom, "Judy was a player but she never really made it on tour," and we thought it sounded like a Belle & Sebastian song. Until tonight I thought Andy Murray was Welsh for some reason? Of course he is Scottish, duh.

5:47 AM

Murray keeps going for this inside out backhand down the line and missing it wide. The announcers just said "Lots of F words from Murray on the court. He always says focus." He just biffed a backhand at deuce and gave Djokovic a break point. Okay, another ace to get back to deuce. In my experience it's a bad sign when somebody is hanging on by their aces. Jack just said "Where is his dad?" Murray just made a bad drop shot, lost the point on a cutesy lob, and got back to deuce on another serve. Then another shitty backhand into the net. The announcers are saying Murray's mom is a better competitor than he is.

5:50 AM

Finally Murray nailed that inside out backhand. Jack used a Jewish Mom accent to talk about Murray's mom. Murray's mom made a fist pump. We are almost out of whiskey. Ad Murray. He just biffed a slice backhand into the net. Jack just said "You piece of shit." Murray needs to stop checking replays and start playing some goddamn tennis.

5:54 AM

Djokovic just did a great job staying in the point and making a killer forehand down the line. It's all over but the Scottish eggs, folks. I call Murray losing in three, winning maybe one more game. 4, 2, 2 is my prediction.

5:55 AM

Braveheart, more like LAMEHEART. Announcers actually made a William Wallace/Braveheart reference, saying William Wallace needs to come back from the dead and dunk Murray in a bucket of blue warpaint. Actually I made that up. They said something boring.

6:00 AM

Jack has added a Scottish burr to his Jewish mom accent, and it seems to be working. Murray just broke Nole to bring things back on serve.

6:10 AM

I don't like how mean Murray is to his camp. I do like the guy with the sunglasses in Djokovic's camp. Now there is a very sad SPCA commercial.

6:14 AM

Every time Nole lands a fluky-ass lob, Murray doesn't capitalize and lets him back in the point and ends up losing the point. Not to say that Djokovic isn't landing some huge shots, covering tons of ground, having an amazing service game (70% first serves in!), and nailing all his spots.

6:18 AM

Djokovic broke Murray AGAIN. All he needs to do is hold serve to win the whole blooming onion. The whole Vegemite factory.

6:23 AM

Tournament point for the Jokuh.

6:24 AM

That's it. Into the net from Murray and Djokovic wins his second Australian Open. He's giving away his shoes into the crowd. Holy shit he's giving everything away. He just grabbed Murray's mom and threw her into the crowd, and she was already in the crowd.

6:26 AM
Final score: 6-4, 6-2. 6-3. Man. What a bummer. Not really even all that exciting of a match. Gonna finish this whiskey and go home in the cold, cold dawn. The TV just said "It would just break his funky little heart." Next week there will be more snow! Thank you Paula for letting me live blog, thanks to Jack for provision of house and muffins, and congratulations to Djokovic fans worldwide. Your boy has very symmetrical chest hair.