Me, Watching Tennis

Me, Watching Tennis
Me, Watching Tennis

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Women's Final at Wimbledon- 2013

Clive Owen? Yes Clive Owen is narrating the women's final blabla. God I love his voice. His pockmarks. If I had the chance, I'm sure I'd love other things about him. But, come on - isn't that weird? For instance- they should say- Clive Owen is narrating the "ladies championship at Wimby" -  but no. I'm the one telling you that.

Lots of talk about intense relationships with Daddy. Bartoli fired her daddy but here he is, watching. I had an intense relationship with my dad. Thank God I never had to fire him. Serena, Maria, Bartoli- all had to fire their dads and it was always the right thing to do, even though their dads MADE them. Life is strange.
 I can't believe Lisicki isn't barfing or crying. I would do both. I would do both - or I do do both- even when I am not playing a final at Wimbledon. Actually, I haven't barfed in a long time. But I cry pretty regularly. Pretty sure I would barf if I was playing some tennis final though. And cry.
Two things- I sort of hate the dude who is commentating. But I like "Chrissie". First of all, how is a grown woman, who, by the way, is aging beautifully, I don't see any weird surgery going on in her face or arms or anywhere, goes by the name "Chrissie?" I love it.  I'm an old lady and I prefer to have sort of little girl nicknames. I think that's normal. Let's pretend we are not getting old and dying! Let's have baby names!
Well, Bartoli is being more consistent. Not surprising. Aw. Lisicki! Where is your serve?
ROWAN! He just said- Bartoli is beating Lisicki like a drum.
Rowan is right! It's not fun to watch. Chrissie called her spent from the other matches. I think she just doesn't have the experience. Bartoli does. But really, if Lisicki had her game on, this would be a better match.

Second set. Come on Lisicki. Make this second set a match! I am awake and I am NEVER awake at this hour. You owe me, girl.
She just made a cute face. That's encouraging. I've had two cups of coffee and I usually only am allowed a half cup because otherwise I get all insane and my family gets worried. But HEY- it's the women's FINAL. Therefore, I get to be insane! And fuck my family! Yeah, that's right, deal with my overcaffienated ass!

Here's something- Chris Fowler used to make me want to strangle him. I totally like Chrissie. I feel like the fact that Fowler has gone grey-perhaps age? perhaps something shitty in his life happened?- has made him less of an asshole. Sorry, Chris, if your dad died or something awful happened, but you seem less of a dick than you used to be. And that I appreciate. Can we also be happy that Tracy Austin is not in the box.  She makes me grind my teeth with rage.

Go Go Go- Lisicki! Make this a match!!!

By the way, if I manage to blog- think I'm going to make Rowan and Mike do it- during the men's final- but if I do manage- I will be also having sex with myself the whole time whilst watching those two totally fine dudes hit little balls at each other which is sort of like trying to get the sperm in the lady part- and it's just so sexy. Makes me think of an essay that Gary Amdahl sent me recently about hockey and sex. But that was good sports writing and I try very hard- oh wait, no I don't try hard- to be the world's shittiest sports writer. Which brings me to the great writer, who I do admire and he deserves all his accolades, minus the shit talk from his ex girlfriend who I now hate, Mary Carr, - DFW- yeah, I can't spell his name out at this second- writing about Federer for the- NEW YORK TIMES. God, that piece made my lady boner go away. It was not good. People loved it. I didn't. It wasn't fun. Sometimes, taking yourself too seriously makes people laugh at you, not with you and maybe that is a risk we all should take from time to time. But not about tennis.


Once, and you could find it somewhere on this blog, I was at the US Open on a back court and watched Bartoli play and there really is something you see up close that the TV is not showing. Her angles? With her crazy two handed thingy on both sides? It's INTENSE. It's special.

But I'm so sad about Lisicki. She's just sucking right now. I really hope she doesn't cry. I might cry  for her. Would that help? Can I suck the bad emotion of stress and fear and waah from her? Trying to channel across the ocean to Lisicki, trying to suck the bad away sort of like you suck venom out of your friend after they got bit by a snake.

Oh shit. 4-1 in the second. My venom sucking is not working. Maybe I need more coffee. I'm surprised - as I mentioned- that Chris Fowler is not being the dick he usually is. Maybe because there isn't another man in the box with him?

God, this is sad. Poor Lisicki. Tennis is so mental. And Lisicki mind is going "I'm fucking losing".

Bartoli is basically fucking everything. Swinging her dick left and right and straight at you. Also, did I say this is painful. Oh shit. I can barely watch. I hate a blow out. Is that the word? Blow out. Who knows. I'm going to drink more coffee and become more brain damaged.

I like that they keep showing Mauresmo. LOVE her. If I were a lesbian, which I am not, I would totally let her go down on me. In fact, I would let her go down on me even though I am not a lesbian. Even, like, right now. As long as she kept her lady parts away from me. I guess that would be a "bad deal" on her part. That's why I would be a bad lesbian. It would have to be a totally one sided relationship.

Just gonna say a normal tennis thing- Lisicki has always been streaky. And I don't mean her hair. And it's making her suck right now.

I'm gonna watch for a minute- be right back.
Bartoli is panicking. But I don't have a lot of faith in Lisicki - yet. She could change that. Oh, gonna drink more coffee. Why not finish off the pot?

She just did it!


Anonymous said...

Paula, Is Bartoli gay?

paula said...

Shatzi, This is a very good question, one that I didn't even think of myself. Unfortunately, I do not know the answer. But I do have a theory on how one could find out whether or not she is gay. What I suggest is me, or another lady, sneaking up on her when she is asleep and sitting on her face, and see what happens.

paula said...

If I could edit my previous comment it would say I suggest I, instead of "me". Right? and then I would say should sneak up instead of "sneaking up". OK, not really awake anymore.

Rowan said...

Bartoli can't be a lesbian she had a passionate and well-documented affair with Pierce Brosnan

paula said...

I am now googling Bartoli and Pierce Brosnan.

Howard said...

This is fantastic!